Friday, 5 June 2015

Are you a bunny boiler or a cheater?

My brain is in constant conflict with itself.

On the one hand I tell myself that I barely have the energy to flirt with guys because, lets face it, creating sexual tension without the guarantee of progressing is both exhausting and frustrating. On the other hand, I think it would be marginally nice to have someone to hug and to make fun of me a little.

There are immediate assumptions that are made when people hear that you are a single mother. It's a daily struggle trying to fight stereotypes. One of the reasons I've avoided dating sites over the last few months is due to a strong societal belief that as a single mother I must be absolutely desperate for sex. So I could lie on my dating profile and not mention the small dependant, but what does that say about my character to the serious guys who are looking for an actual relationship? The kind of attention I received from guys were a couple of sentences lacking substance, swiftly followed by an unsolicited photo of their abs or 'peanuts' (as my son calls it).

It's often assumed that I must have done something awful to be a single mum, and that I put myself in this position. I'm made to feel guilty or inadequate or 'damaged goods'. I refuse to be put into this stereotypical box. Yes I did, 'put myself in this position', thank you. But do you know about that decision or why I made it? No? So pipe down.

As one dating website 'hopeful' (Mr Disrespectful) so eloquently put it:

"Are you a bunny boiler, or a cheater? Because you can't look like that and be single, there must be a catch. Experience has taught me that women are always boiling on the edge of a personality disorder."

Mr Disrespectful was quickly blocked. This was the very first message from him. Some chat-up line! There are very few that break down my wall and get to really know the real and quirky side of me. How can a guy who knows nothing about the situation or relationship with my son's dad profess to know why I'm single? How does he dare think he has the right? It seems he must have been hurt badly and took his revenge by bitterly bashing any woman that would listen. Me? I'd rather have some friendly, flirty, no-pressure banter. Sad for him.

Why when someone asks if I'm single do they assume there's something wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me. I've not met a man who meets my expectations, and to be honest, I don't feel a desperate need to. If someone awesome appears then great, but I don't feel like I'm missing my 'better half'. I am a whole complete person in my own right. And no, I'm not lonely at night because there are these handy things that some people have called 'friends', and they are very valuable to me.

I have a great full-time job, an energetic and challenging five year-old boy with additional needs and I'm studying for a degree. If you can find me a guy who is secure in themselves, willing to squeeze into that and can take each day as it comes without batting an eyelid, then that one right there will be the one who is truly worthy of my time.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Mixed Signals from Peanut Butter Guy

As a fresh-faced 18 year-old I had the opportunity to go to Peru for the summer holidays with my college friends and an organisation which coordinates these types of trips. I spent any spare time I had raising the funds to go, but at about half way to my target I pulled out of the experience. It would have involved walking the Inca trail, white-water rafting as well as helping to decorate a school. I have always regretted my decision not to go, and sadly I put it down to bad judgement and a boy I was seeing at the time - a relationship which incidentally ended very badly. Ever since that day, I have always told myself never to let a boy get in the way of my dreams and aspirations. Yet, today, through the midst of trying to study I am procrastinating over a guy I've only been on one date with! Grrrr....girls and their over-thinking brains. Why couldn't I have been born a boy?

Peanut Butter Guy is the epitome of mixed signals. I wonder if, because now I am more open to something a bit serious, I've fabricated all these amazing times we'll have together in my head and my brain is starting to believe it's true. So now that I haven't heard from him for five days (apart from a couple of 'favourited' pictures on Instagram) I am literally climbing up the walls. FIVE DAYS I tell you. I'm a pretty laid back kind of person and I honestly thought I would be happy to take things in my stride, but one minute he calls me 'beautiful' and wants to know the inner workings of my brain and then the next minute he barely speaks to me. Don't even get me started on the fact we've not even been on date number two yet! It's true, I'm not in a rush. I'm busy with a degree assignment, a new job starting on the 6th May - which I'm very excited about - and my son is having a few behavioural issues at nursery again (I've signed him up for a martial arts class to help channel his anger), but not hearing from a guy for FIVE DAYS?? I think it's safe to say he's just not that into me.

I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I'll likely be single over the summer. I've got a couple of weddings to go to (solo) and a few trips here and there, so who knows what'll come of it? Being single I am absolutely OK with for now. What I don't agree with is the polar opposite signals some guys can give. I've made it clear that I'm interested. I'm too grown-up to mess about with silly games. If you like me, tell me. If not, jog on. I've got studying to do.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

My simple 6 interview tips

It's been a crazy few weeks of relentless interviewing following the threat of (and then actual) redundancy. I'm exhausted and not sure if I have the energy to answer the question, 'What are you doing in your current role?' for the umpteenth time. Nevertheless, interviewing is a fact of life. Even having conducted hundreds of interviews myself as an ex-Recruiter, I still feel that entering an unknown building and trying to impress an unknown person is just as daunting to me now as it was at the beginning of my working life.

I am up to the final rounds of interviews so I thought I'd take the opportunity to impart some of what I have learnt about myself and the interview techniques that work for me, in the hope they might help another. It's important to show enthusiasm over desperation. Being a person with a dependent your head says, 'PANIC!' but this must not show on your face.

There are plenty of formal structured ideas of how an interview should be conducted, but I would like to give a friendlier list of Top 6 Tips for getting the job you want:

1) Be the best version of yourself - This sounds fairly obvious, but it's surprising how tempting it is as an interviewee to fall into a trap of thinking, 'What do they want me to be?' Of course you want to show you are suitable, but you must be true to you. If you project a false image you will be discovered in the end, and that will be counter-productive for both parties.

2) Know your CV and tell the truth - There is a fine line here. In the dating world, it's not advisable to try to impress someone by saying you can relate to their interest as an annual competitor in Iron Man, if in all honesty, you're referring to regularly running for the No. 9 bus. This false projection will not doing you any favours in the end. However, there is nothing wrong with amending your CV to align to the job spec and highlight related strengths in specific areas.  If you have experience in something and it's relevant make sure it's on your CV. You must know the dates, companies, job titles, length of time and reasons for leaving each role. Make sure not to give a negative answer like, 'My manager was a bitch.'

3) Arrive 10 minutes early - I was two minutes late for an interview, and because of the rush and the flustering I was worried I'd blown it instead of focussing on my performance. This is not the best first impression you want to give at interview.

4) Get an early night the day before and DO NOT DRINK! - I once turned up to an interview severely hungover, with my collar inside out and no make-up. My hair looked like I'd been caught in the middle of a fight between a fox and a badger. I sat in the interview with waves of nausea rushing over me. I had to ask him to repeat a question because my mind had focussed on more important things, such as whether I was going to keep that Prosecco down, and whether there was a bin in the room within grabbing distance.

5) Interview the interviewer - I find this works wonders. It's recommended that you take a list of questions with you. I say make sure you memorise these questions. There's no need to wait until the end to ask them, if it's an appropriate moment, ask! This isn't prison. You need to make sure you're happy with them as a company and as potential colleagues. It's your life! I had an interviewer ask ME if I had any reservations about him. That's your aim.

6) Smile, make eye contact and show them you want it - This is by far the most important thing you can do. Any hard-faced, bull dog of a VP or Director or CEO will crack a smile in response because it is the human condition to do so. Ultimately, it's people that build businesses. They want to see you have a personality and you are confident in your abilities. My thoughts: "Yes, this is scary as hell, and I am severely intimidated, but I'm going to be happy, enthusiastic and positive about the whole situation, because I may need a sense of humour if I am to be spending the next few years of my life answering to you!" Make sure you drop the interviewer a succinct thank you email afterwards. Mention one key point from the interview such as, 'Your obvious enthusiasm for the company must be a great motivator for your staff'.

So there you have it. Just remember that you might not want the job anyway. If it's the right company for you then there'll be chemistry from both sides. Intuition is a very important aspect of this process. Just think, you're basing a life-changing decision on an hour in a chair. Dig deep, smile wide and make them want you on their team.

Good luck job-seekers! Here's to the next great opportunity.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Dating a tall girl

So here I am, online dating again. I'm feeling positive about the whole experience as I now know what I want and I am happy enough in myself to go and get it.

Being a tall woman of 6'1" there have always been perceptions both from others and myself of the acceptable height of a date. Sadly, society believes that the man in a relationship should be taller. This is something that has been bred into us, and a belief I am guilty of myself. I won't go into explicit detail (in case my mother reads this), but of the men I have *ehem* been with, only one has been taller than me.

I have had a strict rule about dating guys taller than me. My brain has been conditioned to discount the shorter men and only find taller men attractive. However, something deep within me has bent this rule on more than one occasion. Despite feeling that perhaps I am doing something wrong I will still fall for shorter guys. As a teen and young adult I was made to feel that shorter guys would be threatened by my height. To be honest, I probably had more of a connection on a personal level with short guys who were just one-nighters! Perhaps there were missed opportunities, but the choices I made have given me the outlook I have today.

I have researched average couple heights and apparently only 4% of women are taller than their men! However, it appears that there are quite a few celebrities who confidently shrug off the 'taboo' of a taller woman and crack on anyway: Tom and Nicole, Tom and Katie, Mick and L'Wren, Ethan and Uma. If it's good enough for them, why not me?

I found out last night that 'Peanut Butter Guy' (the man I've been chatting to online) is 5'11". We get on amazingly, we have a lot in common, he's very intelligent, good looking, lovely arms (they are), he loves animals, he is an incredible photographer, and yet two little inches made me stop and reconsider my efforts of getting to know him! It is such a shame that such a superficial thing would get in the way, and I am angry at myself for wanting to conform to societal beliefs that could result in a forcefield to my happiness. I am angry at myself, because when I jokingly (worryingly) asked him if he ever wore heels, rather than the response I was expecting: 'Shall we just call it a day?' instead, he sent me a photo of himself when he was younger in drag and said 'Funny you should ask....' He doesn't care how tall I am, so what am I worried about?

I think what us tall girls want is to not have to be the joker and 'one of the guys' just because you're the same height (or taller). We want to feel feminine just as much as the next girl and we need guys to not feel threatened or emasculated, and for them to feel secure enough in themselves to embrace our height. Upon meeting guys in a bar (for example) we regularly get the line, 'You're tall', to which my response is usually 'Too tall for you' or 'You're short/fat/bald/(insert other offensive comment). This puts an end to the conversation immediately. Wouldn't it be great if someone were not to mention the obvious at all? Maybe think outside the box (or stand on it) and say, 'Hey, you seem like a nice person. Can I buy you a drink?' Because, lets be honest, you wouldn't approach a girl you were seriously attracted to and expect a positive response from an opening line like, 'Your boobs are massive.' The only thing you would expect from a comment like that, is a slap.

dating a tall girl
Leggy in the middle

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Adjö to the Swede

As of a couple of weeks ago it is the end of the 'Age of the Swede'. He'll be heading back to Sweden soon and it's the strangest break-up I've ever had. There were no angry words, no tears and no regrets. Last year was probably the most exciting and adventure-filled years of my life. I certainly don't deny that a lot of those times were because of him or his influence. This is just one of the great times at the wedding in the South of France:

It would be great if all breakups could be like that. But I am starting to wonder if I'm a bit of a commitment-phobic. I start to get uneasy when I have too many things happening at in my life at the same time, and I try to change the only thing I have a direct influence over. However, the fact of the matter is that the Swede did not make life easier when life got challenging. Surely you would expect that support from your standard 'partnership' to some degree?

I've read up on my Chinese Horoscope for this year. It says I should expect career prosperity and love for 2014. So I'm being made redundant and I've joined Tinder. I'm hope this prediction will turn into more of a self-fulfilling prophecy as I venture out on the next steps of my career to something better and start dating again. I've already been chatting to someone brainy, creative, tall and good looking who I shall hereby refer to as 'Peanut Butter Guy'.

With the promise of new horizons, I promise to blog more often. But for now, it's on with my Open University assignment which is due in on the 17th March, and the planning of my son's 4th birthday party on Sunday. I barely have time to think!

Monday, 2 September 2013

Growth, change and exciting news!

My little boy can barely see his 'Wilbur' from a standing position, let alone grab it and point it in a sensible direction whilst peeing. He's at the age where he refuses to use the toilet sitting down and would much prefer to approach it like a grown-up man. Of course he has the best intentions, but as I discovered at the weekend his aim needs substantial coaching. I mistakenly stood next to him and his pee shot up vertically like a geezer and straight onto my chin. Obviously, I have no experience with this as I don't have the equipment (apart from using a 'She-Wee' once at Glastonbury Festival). What I do know is that currently his 'ending' resembles a wet dog stepping out of a pond when it shakes vigorously and drenches everything in sight. So we're working on the finish and the placement of only one hand: "I don't think you need to support it with both hands just yet darling." I thought having pee in my face would stop now that he's out of nappies but alas, it isn't so.

I'll be visiting primary schools ready for next September over the next couple of months. It seems to have come along all too fast and I miss the little chubby baby-cheeks he used to have. I do think he'll be more than ready for school and is already writing his own name, recognising letters and numbers, starting to tell the time and is 'brilliant at maths' (his nursery's words). I look forward to sending him off to the next chapter and watching him grow and thrive and absorb knowledge.


My baby boy will soon be going to school AND I will be going back too! I feel elated, excited and enthusiastic. I also feel borderline insane.

My life for the next 6 months!
As if I didn't have enough on my plate I've finally taken the plunge and I will be starting a part-time degree in Business Studies on the 5th October (subject to approval of funding)! Whilst my little one is in bed by 7.30pm most nights and is settled into a routine I can use the time I have in the evenings to do something constructive by gaining a few letters after my name. I'm hoping this degree will open doors and increase my earning potential. This in turn will give me a chance to afford to take my son abroad, pay for various lessons, activities and hobbies and even buy our own house one day.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't have enough excitement in my life already. I've had an amazing summer which involved being taken to the South of France by The Swede, I performed at Glastonbury festival as part of an Earth-protecting choir, I went to a Ferrari owners' picnic and I took my son to Cornwall and Devon to visit family. I want to go further and do more fun things so I'll have to work even harder.

These are exciting times ahead with lots of development for both my son and I. He will learn to pee straight and I'll learn to think straight. Come on World, we're ready for you!

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

He got down on one knee...

Granted, he was on one knee because the clumsy fool (that I am) managed to drop the scone I was holding jam-side-down onto the floor. So, he sprung down off his seat to get it for me. But whilst he knelt there with the ruby jewel of raspberry jam glistening at me I couldn't help but smile at the romantics of it all. That moment quickly faded when I realised I would have to decide what would be the correct scone etiquette: Do I scrape and reapply the jam or just ditch the scone altogether? Hey, I'm a single mum and I never know where my next meal is coming from! I scraped.

Lego man spanner helmetThis is a very significant month. It is the 1st Anniversary of my blog, and it is also the anniversary of when I first found 'The Swede' whilst trawling through randoms on an internet dating website. We've had a fantastic time over the last few months and I think he's starting to realise that he might actually be a little bit into me. For the first time he spent the whole weekend with both my son and I a couple of weeks ago. This was a massive show of trust on my part. I thought he would be overwhelmed by my son's insatiable curiosity and enthusiasm. I expected him to turn on his heels and sprint out of my life forever. However, he did well to humour him, and they found a common interest with Lego.

I like that I only see The Swede a few times a month. He gives me the space I need to stay on top of my life as a single mum. I need time to regroup and to get my house in order. Then the time I have with him is very much a small escape from reality so that I can be a better parent for my little boy.

Last month my boy turned 3 years old. I can no longer call him 'baby' (he doesn't like it), and he's been sleeping through the night for the last month without pull-ups and staying dry. I feel like I've entered into a comfortable place. We have our routine and I'm pleased with his progression. His personality is growing and he makes me laugh daily. Tonight's random line was, "Mummy, houses are built on 'some ment'."

Boy with red balloon
Happiness: A balloon and a fistful of cake.
It's been a year of lows, highs, juggling, upset and uncertainty. One of the recent highs was a trip down to Devon with my son a few weeks ago for my Great Aunt and Uncle's Ruby Wedding Anniversary. It was a great weekend that was a well-needed little holiday. My sister drunkenly stumbled into a neighbouring house and gave the owner a shock. My little cousin (just entering puberty) asked another cousin (in her 30s) if she'd like to sit on his knee during the photos. Finally, Nan talked obliviously during the speeches, and I had the same conversations repeatedly with my dear uncle with dementia who was (bless him) as equally enthusiastic about my answers to his questions each time I gave them. The lovely thing about family is that you will never truly be alone and there will always be someone there to inadvertently make you laugh. My son's input in the laughter department hit it's peak when he had an unfortunate dirty accident just as I'd got in the shower and squirted the soap in my hand.

I think I've done well to survive the first year as a single parent. It's now been more like 18 months, officially. I've managed to provide the basic needs for my child without allowing him to come to harm and without loosing my mind. I've come out of the other end feeling centred, happy, thinner, focussed and confident that I can do this.